Extended Families

There is nothing better than family and the more the better! I love my wonderfully big family and I am so grateful to be a part of them for eternity. My husbands family have also brought me much joy and love.

However, extended family cannot be #1 your spouse must be #1

Matthew 19:5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

The first aspect of extended family relationships is making sure that the couple builds their own identity and takes the appropriate steps to cleave unto one another. "The first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they grew up in. One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity. It helps the newly married couple to think of themselves

inside an invisible fence. They share information and behavior inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence - not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law... Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage" (Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families, James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen)

The second aspect of extended family relationships is doing the best you can to adapt and accept your new family. "Marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be a challenge. Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help when dealing with differences.... Mothers-in-law usually discover early that their daughters-in-law are not like them, and in some cases, this may be upsetting. Parents who are more enmeshed with their children hold expectations that their children-in-law will be like them. A more realistic expectation is that children-in-law will bring new perspectives into the family, and the family can learn from these differences and be complimented by them... Difference is something that can be anticipated and even looked forward to because of its potential for creating growth in family members.(Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families, James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen)" 

FAMILY RULES

Exploratory questions that each person needs to find out about each other before you marry!

1. Do you think your family was materialistic? In what ways?
2. Could you ask for financial support? How did family members respond when another family member made a request for help?
3. How did you and your parent’s express affection for each other?
4. How did your parent’s express affection to each other?
5. Were you allowed to express your feelings? Which feelings and to whom?
6. How did your parent’s express approval or disapproval?
7. How did family members respond to change?
8. What kinds of roles were assigned to males and females?
9. How did your family evaluate success? In terms of money? Degrees, land, social status, or possessions? In other ways?
10. How did your parents feel about debt?
11. How did your parents manage finances?
12. How openly could you talk about finances?
13. In which socioeconomic (middle class, upper class, etc.) group do you think your family belonged? During which period of your life?
14. What was your parent’s attitude toward both husband and wife working outside the home?
15. What was your family’s attitude toward saving and investing?

It is important to remember that it is well worth the effort to work at a good relationship with your spouse' family. "Adult married children can improve relationships with their in-laws by setting boundaries that help ensure their marriage is strong and happy. Having regular contact and communication with in-laws also sends messages that couples value their relationship with them. Frequency of contact and communication that does not interfere with each other's being first int he marriage are important steps for building relationships with parents-in-law.(Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families, James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen)" 

Power Relationships in Marriage and Decision Making

Being a member of Christ's church has brought me much joy, I love the wonderful examples of our leaders in how to make important family decisions. After learning about how the first presidency and quorum of the twelve apostles make decisions for the church we tried this in our family and it was very effective. I felt happiness and peace and great hope for a better future in our family. 

The church is governed by complete order and this is done through counsels, the first presidency makes all of their decisions for the church by counseling together in the temple. They are each men of great intelligence and different back grounds, they discuss and counsel until they come to a consensus that they know is the will of the Lord. If we conducted our families and important decisions in this respectful way and made these important decisions with the Lord’s will in mind we would be much happier and have much success and our children would not stray.

"Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have... In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey" (Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, May 2002, p. 52).

"The sacramental prayer, that we have the opportunity to hear each week, can remind us every week of how the gift of unity will come through obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ. When we keep our covenants to take His name upon us, to remember Him always, and to keep all His commandments, we will receive the companionship of His Spirit. That will soften our hearts and unite us" (Henry B. Eyring, "That We May Be One", Ensign, May 1998).
"The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony." The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne 11:29). Never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 13th ed. [1963], 131) .It leads to personal peace and a sense of union with others. Unified family, a unified church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls. "

“Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Many marital problems have as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in the relationship. Research makes it very clear that issues about power is predictive of marital problems, including violence. Research also demonstrates that unequal power relationships in marriage are predictive of depression. Thus, research consistently finds that happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership. These research findings are consistent with doctrines found in the gospel. Joint decision making, sharing marital powers, perceptions of both self and partner doing a fair share of family work, and a feeling of equity appear to be positively related to marital and relationship satisfaction (Dr. Ross Eshleman, The Family, 2003, p. 331).”  (Richard Miller "Who is the boss? Power Relationships in Families")
“A man who holds the priesthood accepts his wife as a partner in the leadership of the home and family with full knowledge of and full participation in all decisions relating thereto… The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal)—that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership (Howard W. Hunter, Ensign, November 1994, p. 49).”

 "Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him (Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK pp. 340, 341)

God forbid that there should be any of us so unwisely indulgent, so thoughtless and so shallow in our affection for our children that we dare not check them in a wayward course, in wrong-doing and in their foolish love for the things of the world more than for the things of righteousness, for fear of offending them (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, p. 286)

 Do not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines. Be sure to say no when it is needed. As Dr. John Rosemond counseled: “Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language––‘'No’ . . . Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today’s children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need”