Extended Families

There is nothing better than family and the more the better! I love my wonderfully big family and I am so grateful to be a part of them for eternity. My husbands family have also brought me much joy and love.

However, extended family cannot be #1 your spouse must be #1

Matthew 19:5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

The first aspect of extended family relationships is making sure that the couple builds their own identity and takes the appropriate steps to cleave unto one another. "The first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they grew up in. One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity. It helps the newly married couple to think of themselves

inside an invisible fence. They share information and behavior inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence - not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law... Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage" (Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families, James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen)

The second aspect of extended family relationships is doing the best you can to adapt and accept your new family. "Marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be a challenge. Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help when dealing with differences.... Mothers-in-law usually discover early that their daughters-in-law are not like them, and in some cases, this may be upsetting. Parents who are more enmeshed with their children hold expectations that their children-in-law will be like them. A more realistic expectation is that children-in-law will bring new perspectives into the family, and the family can learn from these differences and be complimented by them... Difference is something that can be anticipated and even looked forward to because of its potential for creating growth in family members.(Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families, James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen)" 

FAMILY RULES

Exploratory questions that each person needs to find out about each other before you marry!

1. Do you think your family was materialistic? In what ways?
2. Could you ask for financial support? How did family members respond when another family member made a request for help?
3. How did you and your parent’s express affection for each other?
4. How did your parent’s express affection to each other?
5. Were you allowed to express your feelings? Which feelings and to whom?
6. How did your parent’s express approval or disapproval?
7. How did family members respond to change?
8. What kinds of roles were assigned to males and females?
9. How did your family evaluate success? In terms of money? Degrees, land, social status, or possessions? In other ways?
10. How did your parents feel about debt?
11. How did your parents manage finances?
12. How openly could you talk about finances?
13. In which socioeconomic (middle class, upper class, etc.) group do you think your family belonged? During which period of your life?
14. What was your parent’s attitude toward both husband and wife working outside the home?
15. What was your family’s attitude toward saving and investing?

It is important to remember that it is well worth the effort to work at a good relationship with your spouse' family. "Adult married children can improve relationships with their in-laws by setting boundaries that help ensure their marriage is strong and happy. Having regular contact and communication with in-laws also sends messages that couples value their relationship with them. Frequency of contact and communication that does not interfere with each other's being first int he marriage are important steps for building relationships with parents-in-law.(Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families, James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen)" 

Power Relationships in Marriage and Decision Making

Being a member of Christ's church has brought me much joy, I love the wonderful examples of our leaders in how to make important family decisions. After learning about how the first presidency and quorum of the twelve apostles make decisions for the church we tried this in our family and it was very effective. I felt happiness and peace and great hope for a better future in our family. 

The church is governed by complete order and this is done through counsels, the first presidency makes all of their decisions for the church by counseling together in the temple. They are each men of great intelligence and different back grounds, they discuss and counsel until they come to a consensus that they know is the will of the Lord. If we conducted our families and important decisions in this respectful way and made these important decisions with the Lord’s will in mind we would be much happier and have much success and our children would not stray.

"Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have... In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey" (Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, May 2002, p. 52).

"The sacramental prayer, that we have the opportunity to hear each week, can remind us every week of how the gift of unity will come through obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ. When we keep our covenants to take His name upon us, to remember Him always, and to keep all His commandments, we will receive the companionship of His Spirit. That will soften our hearts and unite us" (Henry B. Eyring, "That We May Be One", Ensign, May 1998).
"The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony." The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne 11:29). Never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 13th ed. [1963], 131) .It leads to personal peace and a sense of union with others. Unified family, a unified church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls. "

“Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Many marital problems have as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in the relationship. Research makes it very clear that issues about power is predictive of marital problems, including violence. Research also demonstrates that unequal power relationships in marriage are predictive of depression. Thus, research consistently finds that happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership. These research findings are consistent with doctrines found in the gospel. Joint decision making, sharing marital powers, perceptions of both self and partner doing a fair share of family work, and a feeling of equity appear to be positively related to marital and relationship satisfaction (Dr. Ross Eshleman, The Family, 2003, p. 331).”  (Richard Miller "Who is the boss? Power Relationships in Families")
“A man who holds the priesthood accepts his wife as a partner in the leadership of the home and family with full knowledge of and full participation in all decisions relating thereto… The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal)—that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership (Howard W. Hunter, Ensign, November 1994, p. 49).”

 "Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him (Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK pp. 340, 341)

God forbid that there should be any of us so unwisely indulgent, so thoughtless and so shallow in our affection for our children that we dare not check them in a wayward course, in wrong-doing and in their foolish love for the things of the world more than for the things of righteousness, for fear of offending them (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, p. 286)

 Do not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines. Be sure to say no when it is needed. As Dr. John Rosemond counseled: “Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language––‘'No’ . . . Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today’s children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need”  

Sexual Intimacy in marraige

With my first marriage sex was a filthy subject and it caused much stress and pain, my first husband viewed pornography everyday of his life from his early teens and it resulted in much infidelity mentally, spiritually, and physically. This was very difficult and created lack of love and trust. Unfortunately, I took this attitude of sex being evil with me into my current marriage, however with patience, understanding, communication, and love for my wonderful husband, I am happy to say that sexuality is a very healthy and vital part of my marriage now. It took years before I was able to trust and see it as a good part of marriage and that to feel the blessings and benefits that it brings to our relationship but I now what true love feels like and enjoy this aspect of my life with a man that I trust completely and love with my whole heart.

On the other hand, there are couples who seem to feel that the only reason for sexuality is physical gratification. These people become so obsessed with the achievement of sensation that the emotion of love is all but forgotten. Still others use sexuality as a weapon or a bargaining tool. This is not only a misuse of a God-given privilege, it shows great selfishness on the part of one or both partners and makes sexuality a destructive rather than a unifying element in marriage.

President Spencer W. Kimball, referring to Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 [D&C 42:22] (“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else”), said that “the words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.” (Miracle of Forgiveness, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969, p. 250.)

“Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”

- President Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 311

“We urge, with Peter, ‘…Abstain from fleshy lusts, which war against the soul.’ (1 Pet. 2 :11) No indecent exposure or pornography or other aberrations to defile the mind and spirit. No fondling of bodies, one’s own or that of others, and no sex between persons except in proper marriage relationships. This is positively prohibited by our creator in all places, at all times, and we reaffirm it. Even in marriage there can be some excesses and distortions. No amount of rationalization to the contrary can satisfy a disappointed Father in heaven.”

                -Spencer W. Kimball, Ensign, May 1974, 7.

“ Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, considerations of each other, and common purpose.”-Elder Richard G. Scott, Ensign, Nov. 1994, 38.

“I would speak of something that is most sacred. When we were created, Father in Heaven put in our body the capacity to stir powerful emotions. Within the covenant of marriage, when properly used in ways acceptable to both and to the Lord, those emotions open the doors for children to come to earth. Such sacred expressions of love are an essential part of the covenant of marriage. “Within marriage, however, the stimulations of those emotions can either be used as an end unto itself or to allow a couple to draw close in oneness through the beautiful, appropriate expression of these feelings between husband and wife. There are times, brethren, when you need to restrain you feelings. There are times when you need to allow their  full expression. Let the Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your marriage.”

-Richard G. Scott, “The Sanctity of Womanhood,” Ensign, May 2000, 37; emphasis added.

“Marital status in and of itself does not exempt or automatically protect a man or a woman from temptations related to the law of chastity. Furthermore, there are also bounds for the appropriate expression of love between a husband and a wife. Dignity, purity, and mutual acceptability ought to characterize our most intimate relationships. The more we stray from the simple in our expression of affection, the closer we approach the perverted. Loyalty to your spouse, consideration, and, most importantly, the whisperings of the Holy Ghost will help you know what is right to recognize the path that will lead you away from temptation.”

-David A. Bednar, Moral Purity, BYU-I Dev., Jan. 7, 2003.

Bringing God into our marriage through humility and prayer

Couples prayer has been the greatest tool in my marriage for bringing us closer and feeling love and appreciation for each other. I have a very strong testimony of prayer and teach my children this vital gift we have been given to speak directly with out father in heaven and to know with complete faith that He will answer our prayers. 

“When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected; I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself. Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular acts: they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated. On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. Apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul. “ C.S. Lewis

“The natural man is likely to find that resentment and vindictiveness come more easily than charity. More than we realize, those negative reactions are a choice-a choice to see in a human, judgmental way. But we can choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity can be the lens through which we see each other.” Dr. Goddard

We all have our weaknesses and failings. Sometimes the husband sees a failing in his wife, and he upbraids her with it. Sometimes the wife feels that her husband has not done just the right thing, and she upbraids him. What good does it do? Is not forgiveness better? Is not charity better? Is not love better? Isn’t it better not to speak of faults, not to magnify weaknesses by iterating and reiterating them? Isn’t that better? and will not the union that has been cemented between you and the birth of children and by the bond of the new and everlasting covenant, be more secure when you forget to mention weaknesses and faults one of another? Is it not better to drop them and say nothing about them—bury them and speak only of the good that you know and feel, one for another, and thus bury each other’s faults and not magnify them; isn’t that better?

https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-joseph-f-smith/chapter-20?lang=eng

According to the scriptures, we love Him because He first loves us. (1 John 4:19) The same can apply to marriage. Our partner will love us because we first love them. Don’t wait to be loved. -Dr. Goaddard

So the great divide between the saved and the unsaved, between those who inherit the kingdom and those who do not, between those who are right with God and those who are not, isn’t just who is “good” and who is “bad,” for technically speaking we are all bad in some degree. Rather, the great divide is whether we accept or reject the covenant with the Savior Jesus Christ , the only being in eternity who can make us innocent by incorporating us into his infinite, perfect, and sinless self. Stephen Robinson Following Christ

Lord, I know not what I ought to ask of thee; Thou only knowest what I need; Thou lovest me better than I know how to love myself. O Father! give to Thy child that which he himself knows not how to ask. I dare not ask either for crosses or consolations: I simply present myself before Thee, I open my heart to Thee. Smite, or heal; depress me, or raise me up: I adore all thy purposes without knowing them; I am silent; I offer myself in sacrifice; I yield myself to Thee; I would have no other desire than to accomplish Thy will. Teach me to pray. Pray Thyself in me. Amen. (Francois de la Mothe Fenelon, quoted in Fosdick, Meaning of Prayer , pp. 58-9)

“Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can.” President Ezra Taft Benson spoke from experience—and from experiences where he’d learned that the best and most important parts of life aren’t always the easiest. But in the long run, they’re the best.”

-President Benson

Using Christ's power to control ourselves!

I had a wonderful experience a few years ago that changed my life forever. I grew up in a home where dictatorship was used by my father, then I married a man very similar to my father. I felt very powerless to change my circumstances. Through a hard trial and the mercy of our father in heaven I was able to get out of my very unhealthy environment. I still felt powerless most of the time and brought that baggage into my new marriage. So, back to my experience, I was driving down the road with my little children and we were singing primary music. I distinctly felt, "what a good choice you are making" and then it hit me really hard that I was not powerless and that every single choice I made would determine the rest of my life. No one was ever going to take my choices from me. I knew that my life was in my hands and that I could change my future for the better through MY righteous choices and that the Lord would help me! I had complete control and with the power of the atonement I had hope! What a gift we have been given of free agency.

I know that when someone says that they lost their temper or that they do not have control of this wicked tendency they are only lying to themselves, also anyone not willing to admit they have a problem and try to change will cause generations of pain.

“Anger can be controlled.

He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me.

The Lord expects us to make the choice to not get angry.

Anger is a yielding tot Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control

That which cometh out of a mouth defileth a man

Let husband and wife never speak in loud tones to each other unless the house is on fire, David. O McKay

Anger is often mislabeled as discipline but is almost always counterproductive.

Fathers provoke not your children to anger lest they be discouraged.

Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives, we can choose not to become angry.

The 121st section of the Doctrine and Covenants is one of our best sources to learn correct leadership principles. Perhaps the most important application of section 121 is to spouses and parents. We are to lead our families by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness, kindness, and meekness, and by love unfeigned (see D&C 121:41–42).

May each child’s dream of having a family here on earth that is good to them come true”

Children deserve to be treated the way Christ would treat them, I pray that I may do better in this important matter. I will pray for more help to never get angry again.

Having the knowledge that we have power over our own bodies and that Satin is just that nagging little voice that just never goes away can become quite disturbing in its own right. Satin also known as Lucifer has takin upon himself to be the one that wants to destroy all that Heavenly Father has created. One way to do this is to tear down the individual first then the family. In the scriptures, we read:

“Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (Book of Mormon, 3 Ne. 11:29–30, pg. 429-430)

We are told hear that anger is not something that was learned from god, but it was a trate that was instilled into man over time by that small nagging voice that is constantly in ones eare that never goes away. Elder L.G. Robbins uses a quote in his writings that says:

“David O. McKay said, “Let husband and wife never speak in loud tones to each other, ‘unless the house is on fire’ ” (Stepping Stones to an Abundant Life, comp. Llewelyn R. McKay [1971], 294)” Elder L.G. Robbins, "Agency and anger," Ensign, May 1998, 80.)

The ultimate joy is to surrender completely to God. We turn everything over to Him and life gets inexpressibly good.” (Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.)

If anyone is going to change it has to start with “me” I know that I can’t change my spouse, but that doesn’t mean you can’t change yourself. Changing yourself will make an impressionable difference on those that you associate with, and your loved ones.

Selfishness and pride damage marriages and families!

In my own life and marriage pride has reared its ugly head and has caused damage. We are working on it everyday and know that if we use Christ's love and Atonement we can over come the natural man and exercise charity instead for each other and our children. 

Men and woman are different, this is something that developed with our gender long before the earth was created, this does not mean that we cannot respect each other’s differences and work very well together to build a long lasting marriage filled will happiness. What does create problems is when we are selfish and we allow pride to dictate our lives and relationships.

President Benson taught, “Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?” he continues, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. (See 2 Ne. 9:42.) There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous. The proud love “the praise of men more than the praise of God.” (John 12:42–43.)”

When we allow pride to govern us we miss out on so many meaningful relationships that could otherwise bring much joy. Jealousy and covetousness are also forms of pride and these make us think we deserve what others have even if we have not earned what they have. We are too concerned with self. We are not following the Lords plan by loving others as ourselves and being happy for their good fortunes. Elder Holland says, “Envy is a mistake that just keeps on giving. Obviously we suffer a little when some misfortune befalls us, but envy requires us to suffer all good fortune that befalls everyone we know! What a bright prospect that is—downing another quart of pickle juice every time anyone around you has a happy moment!”

In marriage this can also cause much harm, H. Wallace Goddard said, “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others. It is not surprising that we have difficulties in marriage. We so often do the very things that will destroy our relationships.” (Pg 62) This is pride when we allow ourselves to believe that we are better and somehow deserve more and that because of our superiority was must fix others.

C. S. Lewis said, “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.) We are too concerned about what others have we cannot be grateful for the many blessings we have. When we are competing with the “jones” we are wasting precious time that could be spent on the people that matter most and building strong relationships.

Staying Emotionally Connected

In our family we have many family traditions that keep us close to each other and give our family stability happiness and fun. 

Staying emotionally connected is vital to the success and happiness of your marriage.

Rituals of connection, there are many rituals we can develop in order to keep our marriage alive and well. Rituals around celebration such as graduations, birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. Rituals around recreation such as vacations, date nights, and hosting parties. Rituals of communication such as expressing pride in each other and our needs, discussing relationship issues and stressful events, and communication daily appreciation. Sexual rituals such as initiating love making, and discussing how to gently refuse and each other’s needs. Rituals around everyday living such as how we stay healthy, morning and evening routines, how to deal with fatigue and burn-out, and dealing with illness. These rituals create a bond that can last for generations and builds family traditions.

Support for each other’s roles, establishing and respecting each other’s role in the family are crucial, each member needs to know what is expected of them to maintain trust and appreciation for each other. It is vital that we communicate about roles which are important for the whole. The proclamation on the family is very clear on our roles and how we must assist each other is our specific roles, “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” Every family’s dynamics may require some adaptation but the principle is clear that we have our roles and we help each other as equal partners.

Shared goals are an important aspect in marriage, we will have our individual goals that we must support for each other, but the shred goals are what bind us together. Discussing our future goals together will strengthen that bond while planning for future happiness for our family. Leaving a legacy for many generations to come is important, we must make it a positive one.
Shared values and symbols are a key for success and happiness. 

President David. O McKay teaches us that, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.” This makes it very clear how important our home life must be, what qualities and traditions should be central. The proclamation on the family says, “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” Felling a sense of unity and having common values builds strong marriages and families.